R. BARK’R’s Lexicon:
Not your Normal Dictionary—send us your own favorite Bobster’s and we will add it to the list.
Also See: R. Bark’R’s Reviews, Comments, and Blog.
Bark’r: the coveted symbol of merit awarded only to the best ideas and products in the wine industry.
Bob: the name that personifies everything: friendly, good, strong, true, reliable and honorable. Just go to: www.thebobclub.com to learn more, or contact Don Bob in Bend, Oregon, the national Chairman of Everything Bob.
BobDog: the eponymous founder of BobDog Wines. See also Screaming Beagle.
Bob Guy: moniker of retired Assistant Fire Chief, Bend, Oregon, the ultimate Bob. Likeness of this persona is observed worldwide.
Bob Speak: regarding wine and its taste: “It’s good, I like it, and it doesn’t make my mouth feel funny. Just Yummy!” Antonym: See Wine Snob Speak.
Bordeaux: last name of a famous French Bikini model, who started a vineyard growing 5 different Red Grapes somewhere in France. Synonym: Meritage in the United States of America.
Bordeaux Grapes: Merlot, Cabernet Sauvignon, Cabernet Franc, Malbec, and Petite Verdot. But never Pinot Noir.
Bottle of Wine: minimum daily amount of supplemental nutrition as recommended by the surgeon general.
Brix: the measure of sugar in the Grape. The higher the Brix the higher the drinker.
Bud: (nothing to do with beer); that small bump on the vine’s Spur, usually two per Spur, which contains all of the next year’s growth.
Bud Break: (again not 5:30pm), but after a winter’s dormancy, the vine’s buds, break open to start the growing season with tender green plant shoots.
Cabernet Sauvignon Grape: one of the Bordeaux Grapes, 600 years old, which is a combination of Cabernet Franc and Sauvignon Blanc, (one of the first inter-racial marriages), and means: The “Savage” for its character as the big dog of wines.
Caby: short for Cabernet, described as a 40 pound female, black and white, McNabb who operates the Sky Pine Vineyards varmint elimination program. Bob’s little sister.
Cellar: another name for a Winery, as used by Wine Snobs.
Cellar Rats: those indentured minions working in the Winery under the oppressive glare and dictates of the Wine Maker.
Cocktail Wine: wine made for the express purpose of getting high, without distilled spirits, due to high alcohol content from very high Brix levels at harvest. Antonym: Food Wine.
Cordon: the arm of the vine plant like the top of a T, growing along the fruit wire and having Spurs growing vertically on it.
Clone: (nothing to do with gene splicing), the top part of the grape plant, grafted onto the Rootstock, containing the variety of fruit, e.g.: chardonnay, cabernet, etc. Again the Clone will have a variety of characteristics, and there are hundreds to choose from. (We love the Chocolate and Black Cherry clones.)
Cover Crop: the use of soil fixing and nutriating grasses and clovers in the rows between the vine plants, for erosion control and soil enhancement. Part of Sustainable Agriculture.
Crush: that time of year when the Wine Maker and Winery Accountant join forces along with the Weather to vex the Grower. Synonym: Harvest.
Drowning In Chocolate: a feature brought to you by Bob. Ladies, you know how much you like chocolate! Think about it covering you bottle of Bob’s Best. Candle light, soft music, and that hunk! Strip, split, tear, munch and gulp. AH!
Drip Irrigation: the use of small emitters, (originally invented in Israel), and placed on other side of the vine plant, to deliver water to the plant, without waste or loss. Part of Sustainable Agriculture.
Fertigation: the practice of injecting liquid nutrients into the Drip Irrigation system for direct application to each vine plant. Part of Sustainable Agriculture.
Fame: the exclusive domain of the Wine Maker, fabricated through his or her efforts alone, without regard for the Grower, the Red or White Grapes.
Food Wine: Wine made for consumption with food, with lower alcohol, higher acids, to supplement and complement the flavors of the food. Antonym: Cocktail Wine.
Grape: a singularly unique gift from God, which reflects its environment, and each year is different in size, color, and flavor. Much like a Women (not defined).
Grower: a simpleton who left other successful professions, like: restauranting, dentistry, hedge fund management, to spend major amounts of his time, energy and money to produce a commodity, which if grown exactly in accordance with the highest standards of agriculture practice, will still be subject to the whims and caprice of the Weather, Wine Maker, Winery Accountants, and Market.
Grower’s Representative: a staff member of the Winery who delivers orders to the Grower from the Wine Maker, and has no authority otherwise, despite trying to be friends with the Grower. He or she will have lunch in the Grower’s Vineyard, enjoying the ambiance, rather than return to the Winery, thereby avoiding the Wine Maker.
Guest Bedroom Closet: storage area for Wine. But see Wine Cellar.
IconoGlass: a scale of good and bad as determined by R. Bark’R.
Market: the system for establishing the price of grapes and wine, controlled by the Winery Accountants.
Meritage: The US word for a Bordeaux style Wine Blend. Pronounced (NOT IN FRENCH, like the Wine Snobs), but like combining the two words: merit and heritage.
Merlot: one of the Bordeaux Grapes, which is historically the backbone and foundation of all great blends, and one of the top 3 selling Wines.
MOG: term used by the Wine Maker to describe material other than grapes that arrives at the Winery for processing into Wine. Some Wine Makers insist on no MOG, others say 2% by weight is acceptable. MOG can be: bees, spiders, lizards, snakes, fingers, twigs, leaves, green tape, gloves, picking knives, eye glasses, and file cabinets (yes, that’s right, it did happen once).
Organic Wine: Wine grown and made with manure, weeds, fungus, and indigenous flora and fauna residing in a Vineyard.
Pesticides: in the Vineyard, means use of sulfur, calcium, clay, water, molybdenum, zinc, boron, and similar unnatural substances not occurring in nature. Never used in Organic Wine.
Pinot Noir Grape: a confused mutation of a “Grape” which is impossible to grow, worse to make and quite difficult to drink. One of the exclusive choices of the Wine Snob, however, requires a Hollywood movie to market and sell.
Pinot Noir Grape Grower: spoiled with financial success, and believing it is earned, and will never change.
Pruning: the art of vine plant surgery, done each fall, where the entire year’s growth is cut off, leaving two Buds on each Spur.
Punch Down: The physical act of the Wine Maker, (1) pushing the Grower into insolvency, or (2) submerging the grapes in their own juice until they no longer breathe. Gruesome.
Racking: the effort by the Wine Maker to remove sediment from the wine barrel; see Wine Effluent.
Red Grapes: Grapes that are not white. Does note include: Pinot Noir.
Row Mowing: the contra to tilling the ground, where the area between the vine plants is mowed, leaving the Terroir alone. Part of Sustainable Agriculture.
Rootstock: (not to be confused with the legendary 60’s Rock Concert); the bottom of the grape plant, chosen for its relative characteristics, like drought residence, medium vigor, early blooming, late ripening. There are hundreds developed over the centuries, with great names like: 110 R, 3309 and St George.
Screaming Beagle: a small cult Winery with $1000 bottles of wine; distant cousin of BobDog.
Small Fortune: the end result of taking a large fortune, and becoming a Grower, with the assistance of the Winery and Vineyard Manager.
Spice Grapes: Cabernet Franc, Malbec, Petite Verdot. Used by the Wine Maker for the special characteristics each impart like: color, pepper, etc.
Spurs: (nothing to do with cowboys); the vertical growth columns, about 2-6 inches in height, growing up from the Cordon.
Sugar Shack: small building at entrance to a Winery, where Grapes are tested for Brix, Acid, and Temperature, by a Sugar Babe, identified by her all over tan, skimpy attire and stained hands.
Sustainable Agriculture: a philosophy, a cultural program which protects, defends and enhances the soil, air, water and surrounding environment in the Vineyard.
Terroir: dirt, albeit special dirt.
Terroirist: one who threatens others with dirt.
Vineyard: a spot on the earth where grapes are grown, ranging in size, which absorbs sunlight, water and the Grower’s money, or: the closest thing to perfection in God’s Universe.
Vineyard Manager: person or firm, which assists the Grower in achieving his Small Fortune.
Weather: The sunlight, temperature, rainfall, and wind. It will always be: too hot, too cold, too windy, too calm, too dry, or too wet. Year to year will always vary from “normal”.
White Grapes: Grapes that are not Red Grapes, and, therefore, irrelevant.
White Zinfandel: an oxymoron, since Zinfandel is a Red Grape, it’s like saying Taupe Banana.
Wine: a liquid food, part of a daily balanced diet.
Wine Cellar: specially designed and constructed room or rooms, which are environmentally maintained at constant temperature, humidity, ambient light level, and atmospheric pressure, to age Wine owned by a Wine Snob. Antonym: Guest Bedroom Closet.
Wine Contest: a game where Wineries submit their wines to be reviewed by a Wine Judge or panel, hoping to receive the vaunted award of a gold, silver or bronze metal, for purposes of informing their customers, the retail price of that wine will now increase by 50%.
Wine Judge: a person, skilled in the profession of wine analysis, who schedules 100-200 tastings in a given day, while munching on palate cleansing morsels, taking copious notes on the qualities of each wine, and then rendering sober (?) opinions about the metal stature, i.e.: gold, silver, bronze, of the contestant wine entries. Closely watched by the Wine Snob, these findings are remarkably dissimilar from contest to contest and day to day for the same Wines. Synonym: Wino. Also see: Bark’R.
Wine Law No. 1: The more expensive the Wine, the more the consumer insists it is fabulous, and urges his friends to agree.
Wine Law No. 1A: The cheaper the Wine, the more the consumer will buy, especially at $2 a bottle or less. Synonym: Feeding Frenzy.
Wine Law No.2: The tasting of several wines from bottles wrapped in a brown bags, inevitably leads the tasters to judge the least expensive wine the best. But see Wine Law No 1 and 1A.
Wine Law No. 3: The quality of the wine is inversely proportionate to the size, style, architectural grandeur, and tasting fee of the winery.
Wine Maker: a person, (both male and female) otherwise known as: King, Czar, God, Dictator, Captain Bly, Chief, Almighty, Big Kahuna, Ego Maniac, or Mad Chemist, who is responsible for the not ruining the grapes delivered by the Grower. See Fame.
Wine Snob: is a person with far too much ego, money and time, but lacking good judgment and taste. This person reads vaunted publications and gurus’ comments, and accepts their opinions, unconditionally. Synonym: a bore.
Wine Snob Speak: regarding the taste of wine: “full bodied, intense aroma, great nose, wonderful bouquet, sprightly, discernable oak, voluptuous legs, earthy, and quite forward.” And that’s before they actually drink it. Antonym: Bob Speak.
Winery: a food processing facility, under the total control of the Winery Accountants, and in theory the Wine Maker.
Winery Accountants: bean counters, (grape counters) who direct the Wine Maker on all decisions in the process of wine making. Thus, this individual is above the Wine Maker, and generally is located 2,000 mile away from the Vineyard and Winery, mostly found in New York City.
Winery Affluent: grape juice.
Winery Sewage Waste: Grape: skins, seeds, stems and grape juice.
Vineyard: (1) a spot on the earth where Grapes are grown, ranging in size, which absorbs sunlight, water and the Grower’s money, or (2) the closest thing to perfection in God’s Universe.