Send us your favorite Good Humor tidbit for this section. In the meantime, here are some of Bob’s favorites.
How to open a bottle of wine with your shoe…
There was this small grape grower in the Alexander Valley of Sonoma County, California.
The California Department of Labor claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an agent out to interview him.
‘I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them,’ demanded the agent. ‘Well,’ replied the grower, ‘there’s Antonio who’s been with me for 10 years. I pay him $200 a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for 18 years, and I pay her $150 per week plus free room and board. “Then there’s the half-wit who works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of all the He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night. Sometimes he sleeps with my wife.”
‘That’s the guy I want to talk to — the half-wit,’ says the agent.
‘That would be me,’ replied the grape grower.
WATER OR WINE??
As Ben Franklin said: “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria”. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) – bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. We report, you decide.
THOMAS JEFFERSON SAID:
“The culture of wine is not desirable in lands capable of producing anything else. It is a species of gambling, and of desperate gambling too, wherein, whether you make much or nothing, you are equally ruined.”
Words of wisdom:
When things in your life seem almost too much to handle, when 24 hours in a day are not enough, remember the jar and the 2 glasses of wine theory…
A professor stood before his philosophy class with some items on his desk in front of him. When the class began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with golf balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was.
The professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They agreed it was.
The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar as full. The students responded with a unanimous ‘YES.’
The professor then produced two glasses of wine from under the table and poured the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students laughed.
‘Now,’ said the professor, as the laughter subsided, ‘I want you to recognize that this jar represents your life. The golf balls are the important things; your family, your children, your health, your friends, and your favorite passions; things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full.
The pebbles are the other things that matter like your job, your house, and your car. The sand is everything else; the small stuff.
If you put the sand into the jar first’, he continued, ‘there is no room for the pebbles or the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, you will never have room for the good things that are important to you.
Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time to get medical checkups. Take your partner out to dinner. Play another 18 holes. Do one more run down the ski slope. There will always be time to clean the house and fix the disposal. Take care of the golf balls first; the things that really matter. Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.’
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the wine represented. The professor smiled. ‘I’m glad you asked. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there’s always room for a couple of glasses of wine with a friend.’
A True, Sad, But Comforting Tale:
Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish wolfhound named
Belker. The dog’s owners, Ron, his wife, Lisa, and their little boy, Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle.
I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer. I told the family we couldn’t do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home.
As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.
The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker’s family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.
The little boy seemed to accept Belker’s transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker’s death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives.
Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, ‘I know why’.
Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I’d never heard a more comforting explanation. He said, ‘People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life — like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?’
The six-year-old continued, ‘Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don’t have to stay as long’.
Remember, if a dog was the teacher you would learn things like:
- When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.
- Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.
- Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.
- Take naps.
- Stretch before rising.
- Run, romp, and play daily.
- Thrive on attention and let people touch you.
- Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.
- On warm days, stop to lie on your back on the grass.
- On hot days, drink lots of water and lie under a shady tree.
- When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.
- Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.
- Be loyal.
- Never pretend to be something you’re not.
- If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.
- When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.
– Author unknown.
Truth be told:
- A dog is truly a man’s best friend.
- If you don’t believe it, just try this experiment.
- Put your dog and your wife in the trunk of the car for an hour.
- When you open the trunk, who is really happy to see you!?
Bob’s Ski Trip:
Jim decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob.
So they loaded up Jim’s minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
‘I realize it’s terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I’m recently widowed,’ she explained. ‘I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house’
‘Don’t worry,’ Jim said. ‘We’ll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we’ll be gone at first light.’
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.
Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.
But about nine months later, Jim got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.
He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, ‘ Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?’
‘Yes, I do.’ said Bob
‘Did you, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?’
‘Well, um, yes, ‘ Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, ‘I have to admit that I did.’
‘And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?’
Bob’s face turned beet red and he said, ‘Yeah, look, I’m sorry, buddy. I’m afraid I did.’ Why do you ask?’
‘She just died and left me everything.’
(And you thought the ending would be different, didn’t you?… now keep that smile for the rest of the day.)